By Lionel Kubwimana
••8 min read
Simple tips for African diaspora parents raising bilingual kids. Learn which language to use when, how to stay consistent, and why it matters for your child's growth.
Picture this: Your 8-year-old is struggling with homework. You try encouraging them in English first. Nothing. Then you switch to your home language – maybe Swahili, Yoruba, or Amharic. Suddenly, they take a deep breath and try again.
Sound familiar?
If you're raising kids who speak two languages, you've probably noticed this. The language you choose can completely change how your child reacts. One language might feel gentle and loving. The other might feel more serious or strict.
This isn't just in your head. Science shows that kids really do feel emotions differently in each language. And when it comes to discipline, this can either help you connect with your child – or create confusion.
The good news? Once you understand how this works, you can use it to raise kids who are confident, well-behaved, and proud of both their languages.
Here's what happens in your child's brain:
First Language (Home Language)
Second Language (Usually English)
Real Example: A mom in Toronto noticed her son barely reacted when she said "Please stop" in English. But when she said the same thing in Luganda, he immediately paid attention – even though her tone was exactly the same.
Many parents switch languages without thinking about it. This can:
But when you switch languages on purpose, with a plan, it becomes a superpower.
After talking to dozens of African diaspora families, here's what works best:
Rule Language: Use this for:
Comfort Language: Use this for:
Write down 3 simple rules in both languages. For example:
| English (Rule Language) | Swahili (Comfort Language) |
|---|---|
| 1. We use kind words | 1. Tunatumia maneno mazuri |
| 2. We clean up our toys | 2. Tunasafisha vitu vyetu |
| 3. We listen when adults talk | 3. Tunasikiliza wakubwa wanapoongea |
Post this somewhere everyone can see it.
Before changing languages, say something like:
This tells your child a language change is coming, so they don't feel confused.
When Something Goes Wrong:
Example in Action:
What happens: You only use your home language when kids are in trouble.
Why it's a problem: Kids start avoiding that language or feeling bad about their culture.
The fix: Use your home language for praise, stories, and fun times too.
What happens: You switch languages based on your mood or stress level.
Why it's a problem: Kids never know what to expect.
The fix: Stick to your plan, even when you're tired or frustrated.
What happens: You drop your system when other people are around.
Why it's a problem: Kids learn the rules don't apply everywhere.
The fix: Use quiet voices or simple code words that work in any setting.
The Problem: Their kids would only listen to rules in English, making Igbo feel like just a "heritage decoration."
What They Did: Made Igbo the comfort language and English the rule language. Started reading bedtime stories in Igbo and praising good behavior in Igbo.
The Result: After 6 weeks, their kids started asking for Igbo story time and felt proud when grandparents visited.
The Problem: Mom used Amharic when angry and English when calm. Kids started flinching when they heard Amharic.
What They Did: Flipped it. Used English for rules and Amharic for comfort and connection.
The Result: Kids stopped being afraid of their home language and started using it more with each other.
The Problem: Different relatives gave different messages about which language to use when.
What They Did: Created a simple family rule sheet in both Swahili and English. Shared it with grandparents, aunts, and babysitters.
The Result: Everyone stayed consistent, and the kids felt more secure.
Some grandparents might think you should only use the home language for discipline. Here's what to say:
"We want [child's name] to love both languages. If we only use [home language] for correction, they might start avoiding it. This way, they hear it for love and comfort too."
If teachers notice your child responds differently to different languages, explain:
"We use a two-language system at home. [Child's name] knows that English is for clear rules and [home language] is for working through feelings. It actually helps them self-regulate better."
If your child says they don't want to speak the home language:
Families who stick with this approach see kids who:
You don't have to be perfect at this. Even using your system 80% of the time will help your kids feel more secure and confident.
The goal isn't to be a perfect bilingual parent. It's to raise kids who:
Raising bilingual kids is both a gift and a challenge. When you discipline with intention – using each language for its strengths – you're not just managing behavior. You're building your child's identity, confidence, and connection to their heritage.
Start small. Be consistent. And remember that every family's journey looks different.
Your kids are lucky to have parents who care enough to think about these things. That care, more than any perfect system, is what will help them thrive.
Ready to get started? Pick your two languages, write down those three rules, and try it for one week. You might be surprised how quickly things start to feel easier – for both you and your kids.
